Am I PMSing or am I missing my bestie?

Why did a random conversation between Tanmay Bhat and Aishwarya Mohanraj make me crave for a 2 am friend? I'm not even a fan of either of them!

I've reached a point where keeping in touch with friends has become a task. I don't know what I'd talk to them about if I met them today. Would they be interested in what's happening in my life? Because I for sure have no idea what's up with them.

Why is it that the only person I'd like to send constant life updates to is dead? I had a 2 a.m. friend. In fact he was a friend for all a.m.s and p.m.s. That was until he found a girlfriend. But he was there for me and he truly wished me well.

I sat with him for hours after work discussing my future. My work. My life goals. And he'd chip in with a random suggestion on how trends would change. The conversation would then veer towards home. His dysfunctional family. His body image issues. His need for validation. 

I had a friend who texted me at 2 a.m. telling me he'd never be good enough. But I'm here, who else do you need? Making plans with me to hit the pub on Friday. Questioning his existence. But you're my best friend, how can you not see how great you are?! And creating inside jokes that only we'd laugh at.

All of these late night intrusive thoughts magically resolved when he fell in love.

He got back in shape. Got his love reciprocated. Began turning down my invites for a post work goss session. While I sat in food courts, hogging on burgers, telling myself I was enough when I clearly didn't feel like it. Years later I regret not enjoying my alone time. Regretting how I missed out on the most liberating feeling ever. Alone with my thoughts and food. 

But, hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz.

When he died I tried to feel sad. I tried my best to cry my eyes out. Why didn't I feel terrible? He was my best friend and he just ended his life. Even though he didn't turn up at my wedding. Even though he declined all my requests to meet. Just like I had in the year he decided to get married. But I showed up for his wedding.

That's how we lost our connection. 3.5 years later, for the first time tears well up as I see two besties talk about the most inane stuff at 4 a.m. This is what I had. This is what I miss. I haven't made friends at work again. It doesn't make sense anymore. 

Am I PMSing or am I really missing him? We'll find out on Tuesday, I guess.